Rubber Balls and Liquor Read online

  To Lillian and Lily and both Maxes

  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  Introduction: A Slice of Pizza and a Grape Drink

  1. Story of My Life

  2. Star Power

  3. Not Living up to My Potential

  4. Don’t Forget to Tip Your Waitress

  5. My Brilliant Career

  6. First Impressions, Lasting Tributes

  7. Adventures in Animation

  8. Gag Reflex

  9. Circle Gets the Square

  10. Celebrity Depth Chart

  11. Cheating Death

  12. Just Tugging Along

  13. The Air up Here

  Grand Finale: Too Soon

  Encore: Another Slice of Pizza and a Grape Drink

  Closing Credits: “I’d Like to Thank the Academy”

  Copyright

  This is the page where brilliant writers like myself look to other brilliant writers for a few words of inspiration to start their book. I’ve looked and looked, but haven’t been able to find anything as brilliant as I could come up with on my own, so I figured I would just write this part myself. Plus, someone at the publishing house mentioned I might have to pay a fee or get permission to use a quote from someone else, and I was like, Yeah, right.

  —GILBERT GOTTFRIED

  INTRODUCTION

  A Slice of Pizza and a Grape Drink

  If I knew one day I’d write a book, I would have tried to live a more interesting life. I would have discovered fire, or invented the wheel, or added more fiber to my diet. Absolutely, I would have done … something. But then again, it’s just as well, because if I know me (and I like to think I do), I would have kept all that good stuff to myself. I mean, it’s nobody’s business who I slept with, who I cheated in business, who I snubbed at a Friars Club roast. It’s not even anybody’s business whom I slept with or cheated or snubbed, or whether I prefer the subjective or objective pronoun. That’s between me and my editor.

  Most people, when I tell them I’m writing a book, they have two reactions. Either they look at me like I’m kidding, or like I’m full of shit. They’ll say, “Gilbert, why are you writing a book? Do you have anything to say?” And I’ll say, “No, not really.”

  In my experience that’s not why most people write books—because they have something to say. It’s not like I read newspapers or watch the news, so I certainly don’t have anything topical to say about current events or trends. Who has time for that sort of thing? By the time I hear about some new development, it’s usually old news and something else has already happened. Plus, you never know what to believe. Just the other day, I heard that a black man had been elected President of the United States, and I had to laugh. I mean, where do they get some of this shit? Next they’ll be telling me that a blind black man is, say, the governor of New York, or that Angelina Jolie is a revered social icon and humanitarian who no longer wears the blood of her lovers in a vial draped around her neck.

  And so, if I have nothing to say, what the hell am I doing writing a book? It’s a perfectly reasonable question. And, it just so happens that I’ve got a perfectly reasonable answer: I’m writing a book because I have a book deal.

  Think of it in movie terms. I was once at a party and overheard these Hollywood types discussing Tom Cruise. One guy said Tom Cruise owed the studio one more picture. Another guy said he had three top directors ready to sign on to the project and a major distribution deal here and abroad. A third guy said, “Great, so what should the movie be about?”

  Well, it’s the same with books. Some guy set up a book deal for me, so now I have to write it. Nobody ever said, “Boy, Gilbert Gottfried is a fascinating intellect. He should write a book.” Now, I’m fairly certain that a great many people have thought this very thing, over the years, but I don’t believe anyone has dared to speak such a thought out loud. As far as I know, there are no “What Would Gilbert Do?” bumper stickers out there in the heartland, indicating a burning or possibly even chafing desire on the part of Middle Americans to know what Gilbert Gottfried might say or think or do, in a given situation. But now that there’s this book deal in place, I might as well follow through on it and tell them anyway. Who knows, maybe I’ll come up with something memorable. Maybe I’ll come off sounding like one of the great comic minds of my generation. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the ass?

  You may have noticed that this isn’t one of those “as told to” books. Maybe you didn’t notice it at first, because I slipped so naturally into a writing style that seemed to match my charming onstage personality. It must have left some readers thinking, There’s no way Gilbert could have written these few sentences by himself. Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong, dear reader. I sharpened a couple pencils and sat down at my desk and wrote these few sentences, and then a few more besides. (This sentence right here, inside these parentheses, I’m writing right now—as we speak, so to speak.) Yes, it would have been so much easier to hire a professional writer to do it all for me, but there’s no fooling you, is there? You’re too smart for that.

  Oh, wait. Scratch that. If you were really smart, you wouldn’t be reading this book.

  Me, I’m just smart enough to know that I’m an irritatingly voiced comic who hasn’t written a good dick joke since the Carter administration. Basically, I’ve been getting by all these years on my charm and good looks and winsome personality.

  (Winsome, lose some … take your pick.)

  If you’re like me, you’ve probably always hated “as told to” books. You read them and think, Okay, is this the famous guy talking, or is this the “as told to” guy talking? Or, Is this what the famous guy really means to say, or have his words been twisted and neutered and sucked clean of human emotion and genuine feeling? It’s too confusing.

  Say what you will about Adolf Hitler. (Go ahead, say it.) When he sat down to write Mein Kampf, he sat down to write Mein Kampf. Check out the cover and see if I’m right. It doesn’t say Mein Kampf, by Adolf Hitler, as told to Murray Kaplowitz. It’s just der Führer, putting it all on the line, doing his own thing. I read that and think, Good for you, Adolf, because now I know how hard it is to write one of these things. Turns out they want you to say something interesting on every damn page.

  If you’ve seen my act, you’ll know that I say whatever pops into my head, very often without a conscious thought. This can be a problem in the literary field, I’m told, where it sometimes helps to think things through. Also, you’ll know if you’ve seen my act that I’m not the sort of person who writes things down—which I’m now learning is counterproductive when it comes to writing a book, where writing things down can actually be helpful.

  (If you haven’t seen my act, then you’ve got no business reading these opening remarks. Surely, there’s a more appropriate book you could have chosen on which to waste your time and hard-earned money. Do you mean to tell me that in this entire bookstore, with rows and rows of shelves and hundreds and hundreds of different titles, you couldn’t find another book to capture your attention? There are tons of other books in the store that might be a better choice. Perhaps you should try the Gardening section. Or, Bird Watching. Or, if you’re determined to read the musings of a short, whiny Jew, you might consider something by Morey Amsterdam.)

  So here’s my idea: I’ll continue to say whatever pops into my head, with or without a conscious thought, and every once in a while I’ll scribble it down with one of my sharpened pencils. If I happen to scribble something book-worthy, it’ll be your job to let me know. You see, it’s a regular two-way street, this author-reader relationship. I have an obligation to you, to entertain and enlighten and mildly amuse, and y
ou have an obligation to me, to subsidize my extravagant lifestyle by buying this fucker in the first place. Also, you have to tell me if everything is spelled properly.

  With any luck, I’ll come up with enough material to justify the senseless killing of all the trees to produce all the paper we’ll need to print the millions of books my adoring public will surely demand. And, you’ll laugh uproariously at my creative, soulful talent, which will surely be evident on every page.

  Another thing I’ll need from you on this two-way street: I have some trouble in my everyday, not-writing-a-book life with double meanings, so you’ll have to watch out for this, too. A lot of words, you can take them the wrong way, and if you must know I don’t always mean to offend. I only sometimes mean to offend. For example, I might use a perfectly inoffensive phrase, like lick a problem, which is what you do when you solve a dilemma. Harmless enough, right? And yet from the lips of the wrong person, taken in just the wrong way, at just the wrong time, a phrase like that can appear lewd or suggestive, and far be it from me to appear lewd or suggestive. Same goes for blow a chance, which is what you do when you let an opportunity pass you by. Put a negative spin on that one and you might raise a few eyebrows, or start looking for some prep school WASP named Chance and wondering why he gets so much head. Come into money … that’s another one that might give me some trouble. I could be writing a perfectly innocent sentence about shooting my wad into a pile of cash, and readers might get the wrong idea, so it’ll be good to have another set of professional eyes on this thing.

  So where was I? Oh, yeah. My book. The bound stack of paper or digital e-file you hold in your hands. Of course, I’m not so full of myself to expect this book to be another Crime and Punishment. (Hopefully, it won’t feel so long.) (Plus, I hear the ending on that one is kind of a bummer.) My goals are fairly modest, actually. Writers are always saying that when you write an essay or a paper you should have a clear goal in mind. You should have some idea what you want to say, and some idea how to say it. I’m not quite there yet, but I do know this: I want people to read this book and come away thinking it wasn’t a waste of their time or money.

  I set the bar high, I know, but that’s just me. At the very least, I want the book to be the literary equivalent of a slice of pizza and a grape drink. That’s all. It might not be a gourmet meal, but it should at least be filling. The drink is just water, sugar and food coloring. The pizza is just okay, but it tastes all right and is somewhat satisfying.

  So here’s your slice of pizza and grape drink. I hope it doesn’t cause violent vomiting.

  1

  Story of My Life

  I’ve done some research. I’m no slouch. Okay, strike that. Maybe I am a slouch. Certainly, my posture could be a bit better. But before I started writing I did go to the library and ask around. Here’s what I found out: the best books of all time usually start with a classic opening scene. Also, the classic opening scene is supposed to give readers the full flavor of the book, and to introduce the main character in an exciting, compelling, memorable way.

  So that’s what I’m going for here.

  First, an observation: people seem to assume that comics get a lot of pussy. This may, in fact, be true. Specifically, people assume that comics get a lot of stripper pussy. This, too, might very well be the case—but what the hell do I know?

  Now, I suppose the reason for this type of thinking is that comics and strippers tend to work the same types of fleabag clubs, at all hours of the night, and that we keep seeing each other backstage, where the strippers are probably walking around on their knees, giving blow jobs, while us comics regale them with jokes and impressions and honey-scented semen.

  Unfortunately, this has not been my experience, although I once managed to get a stripper’s phone number. At the time, I counted this as a career highlight, and it’s still up there on my list of all-time accomplishments. I wish I could remember what I said to this woman, what line I used, but the entire transaction has been blocked from my memory. It was always such a torturous thing for me, talking to women, trying to get into their pants.

  If there is a hell, and if that’s where I’m going, there’ll probably be an endless gag reel being played on some big-screen television of me trying to talk to women. It would play all the time. It would start out funny, and then it would quickly become frightening—because, really, it was a whole new trauma, each time out. For all my charm and girth and apparent good looks, I was a disaster at this sort of thing. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I’d get shot down. Once in a while, the woman would look back at me through a fog of smoke and alcohol and say something encouraging like, “Wait, I’m sorry, were you talking to me?”

  And yet on this one occasion, with this one stripper, the stars aligned and the gods smiled and everything seemed to work as well as it could have worked. Better, even. It’s possible the stripper gave me her number by mistake, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was that she answered the phone when I called the next day like she was happy to hear from me, which I took as a good sign.

  I said, “It’s me, Gilbert?”

  She said, “Do I know you?”

  I said, “Yes, we met last night at the club. You gave me your number. You told me to call.”

  She said, “And?”

  I said, “And this is me, calling.”

  You’d think I would have prepared something to say, a piece of witty banter to reinforce the fact that I was a brilliant young comedian, fluent in the art of effortless conversation, but I wasn’t smart enough to think things through in just this way.

  Somehow, she agreed to meet with me. We arranged the time and place. I was terrifically excited, because I’d already seen this woman naked, which was like half the battle. In my head it meant that our getting together and having sex was basically a sure thing, and even if it didn’t work out I could go home afterward and jerk off to what I remembered of her tight stripper body.

  All was right in my little corner of the world.

  Now, all these years later, I wish I could remember the stripper’s name. Candy, I think. Or maybe it was Gum.

  Somehow, I ended up taking her back to my apartment. I thought, This is going well. We started making out, and the whole time all I could think was, Oh my God! I’m making out with a stripper!

  Over on her side of the couch, all she could think was, Oh my God! I’m making out with a Jew! I’m so excited! This man killed my Lord!

  Somehow, her clothes started coming off. She was wearing this very sexy stripper-type underwear. I was half-expecting a pair of day-of-the-week granny panties, reminding us that it was Tuesday, but there I was in the middle of a Victoria’s Secret catalogue.

  Somehow, my clothes started coming off and the stripper didn’t run from the apartment in horror. This, too, I took as a good sign. I wouldn’t go so far as to suggest that the stripper was impressed with my physical gifts, but at least she wasn’t put off. This was certainly something. Not much, but something. By this point, the young lady was committed, I guess you could say. Or, quite possibly, nearsighted.

  Next thing I knew, we were in my bedroom, about to do it doggy-style. These days, when I do it doggy-style with my wife, it’s a little different. She plays dead and I beg. But back then, in the full flower and vigor of my youth, this hot, agreeable stripper was on all fours, and it was possible to stand back from the scene and squint and convince myself that she was the one doing the begging. I couldn’t believe my luck. My head was ready to explode. Nothing like this had ever happened to me. It was, without question, the single most thrilling moment of my life. It’s a wonder I didn’t start barking.

  And then it was over. Just like that. My stripper friend lifted her butt toward me in a final enticing display, and I congratulated myself yet again for my great good fortune. Then I made my final approach and if I confess here that I managed to hold off for a full second before ejaculating I’d be exaggerating. If you must know, I don’t think I made it in past the tip, just an in
ch or so—which was a shame, really, because I had a whole other inch or so to go in the physical gifts department. I just slipped my cock into her tight little stripper pussy and shot my wad in no time at all. Maybe I managed a meager half-thrust. I was in such a state of bliss and ecstasy I couldn’t control myself.

  As soon as I came, my stripper friend looked back at me over her naked shoulder with an expression that seemed to be equal parts disgust, disappointment and disregard. Her face was just one big dis after another. She said, “You’ve got to be kidding me, Gilbert. Did you just come?”

  (Careful readers will note here that I’ve chosen the more socially acceptable spelling of the word come, as opposed to the more vulgar, more hardcore cum. If the subject cums up later on in these pages I’ll probably do the same, but I can’t make any promises. After all, I want this book to be accessible to the widest possible audience. With any luck, it’ll be something parents can read to their children, for generations.)

  I couldn’t think how to answer. I was a little too out of breath and a little too deep into the throes of my short-lived ecstasy to think much of anything, so I just slipped my limp dick from this lovely stripper pussy and slinked off to the bathroom to bask in my own shame. And, to curse myself for not thinking of Ned Beatty in that great ass-raping scene from Deliverance. It could have saved me, that scene. If I’d just thought to picture Ned Beatty on all fours in front of me, instead of this hot, young, tight-bodied stripper, I might have lasted a full thrust.

  (Or, as an alternative, I could have held on a little bit longer if I was looking at some naked pictures of myself.)

  When I returned to the bedroom, I was still walking on air. I approached my new lover, who was still on all fours, only now it was because she was looking for one of her contact lenses. I leaned toward her and whispered hotly into her ear, “Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

  It was at this point she gave me “the look”—the look that said, Yes, I’m a totally hot piece of stripper ass, for now, but in less than a year they’ll find my dead body, which by that point will look like it belongs to an eighty-year-old woman, having died from a drug overdose or from being stabbed in the throat by my biker boyfriend. So, you see, I can easily kill you right now and not give it a thought.